The majority of people tell me that their relationships break down due to newly discovered incompatibilities, previously unrecognized deal breakers, or crises like infidelity or newly discovered addictions.
But in my more than four decades as a relationship therapist, I have discovered that even when the more overt causes are absent, there are frequently underlying personality traits and your actions that are likely to drive a partner away. In addition, people enter each new relationship already manifesting them, and if they don’t realize it, their actions could end up being a self-fulfilling prophecy.
These are 10 of them that frequently come up in therapy, however you may also encounter some of them in your personal interactions. They all share the trait of not being as obvious in the beginning of a relationship but eventually leading to emotional allergies.
What Kind of your actions Might Drive People Away?
Every actions we take has a price and has repercussions. Nothing is reversible. Actions have repercussions. Likewise, inaction.
Contempt
Others either put up with constant indignation expressions or support and expand them. Most of the time, they serve as a mask for helplessness, but when repeated, they nevertheless poison the connection. A lot of times, outrages are impossible to fix. They lead a life of their own, rendering the other spouse helpless.
In Alice in Wonderland, the White Rabbit declares, “I’m late. I’m running behind schedule. for a very significant occasion. No opportunity to say hello or farewell. I’m running behind schedule. My tardiness Individuals who constantly anticipate catastrophes and are in war mode cannot rest. They live in a permanent state of urgency. They are unable to be totally present in the present because their attention is on the future.
Minimal Frustration Tolerance
Are you irritable easily? Do most individuals and circumstances annoy you frequently? When something doesn’t turn out the way you intended, do you respond quickly? Do others frequently feel the need to “calm you down”?
Under most circumstances, no one should be around someone who is that intolerant of several minor irritations. It simply steals the joy away from everything positive or enjoyable that could be the emphasis.
Constant Reiteration
Do you or someone you know often go over the same events and relive the most agonizing moments? Even though they repeatedly repeat themselves, they are fixated on finding the truth. Most of the time, people are so consumed by these endless searches that they are unable to accept new information that could actually help break the cycle.
Being on the receiving end of someone who only views things from their own perspective, only speaks about themselves, never asks you about yourself, doesn’t keep track of what you’ve said, and takes up the majority of every contact is very difficult. Don’t bother competing unless that individual is captivating and charming; then it might be worth the show.
Consistent Lateness
Simply put, there is no effective method to handle someone who repeatedly keeps you waiting. It is difficult to correct them because they usually feel bad for hurting you, but doing so can eventually drive you insane.
Inertia is the most frequent cause of persistent tardiness. These individuals are frequently categorized as passive/aggressive and intolerant because they find it difficult to let go of what they are doing and don’t allow themselves enough time to go from one scenario to another.
Flaking
One surefire method to alienate people is to consistently break your promises. The foundation of any successful relationship is trust. If someone truly wants to earn your confidence, they won’t ignore or rationalize breaching a contract without first making an effort to renegotiate it or making a sincere commitment to refrain from doing so. It’s OK to make a promise and occasionally not be able to keep it, but it’s not acceptable to suddenly disappear without explanation or to fail to realize the harm that does to a relationship.
When someone is nervous about being taken advantage of, they are frequently worried about losing out. They may show that by undertipping waiters, haggling to get the best price in every connection, taking more easily than they give, and being ready to accuse others for taking advantage of them. They believe that if someone hasn’t merited their generosity by their own standards, they don’t deserve it.
Sarcasm
Sarcasm is frequently motivated by disdain or contempt. The joke is on the person on the other end, who may be amicable enough to laugh, but it’s usually an uncomfortable hilt covered in roses. Those who are sarcastic may be insecure, uncomfortable with intimacy, or afraid of being the punchline of a joke, but after time, that behavior can become tiresome. If they are humorous enough to get away with it or when they are told they have wounded someone, people are more willing to put up with them; however, with time, it becomes increasingly unpleasant.
Everybody experiences periods in their lives when they are genuinely victims of crime or must endure terrible trauma and loss. Even if it takes some time, the majority make every effort to bounce back and resume living a better life. Others, though, appear to live a victimized life. Always, someone is doing them wrong. Life experiences deceive them. Others don’t treat them fairly. Nobody can comprehend how hopeless their situation is, and nothing they do can change it. Many people make an effort, but to no avail. They have a marriage to their misery.
